Life Changes- Living with Less

Life Changes-Living with Less

With the end of the year quickly approaching and the dawn of a new year just around the corner we often look back at all of the things we have accomplished or sometimes not accomplished, we take inventory of our lives and how things are going and we remember the moments both good and bad.  We end the year with a celebration and toast the memories made and the new ones to come,  and is my own tradition the last few years I fall asleep on the couch just trying to stay up to see midnight because thanks to my good friend “Murphy” insomnia only works on nights that I really really need to sleep and not on nights when I’d like to enjoy a nice evening with my husband ( if you ask he will tell you I am not a nice person when I've been woken up after falling peacefully asleep on our very inviting sectional). The New Year brings about a fresh start, a time to make changes.  As the year has come to an end I am looking back on all of the changes in our life this year both good and not so good, I am reminiscing on the good times and thinking thoughtfully of what could have been done differently , and I’ve been thinking long and hard on the changes that I would like to make for my family this year.  I’m looking to change our lives for the better and to do that we are looking to live with less.  

Less clutter and chaos, as soon as I am home from our very fun extended family holiday celebrations I will be going through all of our families stuff starting with the toys and clothes which consume a large majority of the free space in our house and which cause me 90% of my headaches and fights, they also take up a large portion of the basement covering the floor and couch and the other change I am incorporating calls for our family to actually be able to use that space much more efficiently so we start in the dungeon and work up from there .  I will be going through and starting by removing anything that has not been used in 6 months and anything that no longer fits or flatters, that includes all of the “free” hand me downs and gifts that have been given to us, this is a hard one for me because I feel guilty getting rid of something that someone has given us but for my own sanity I am going to get over the guilt and downsize, downsize, downsize.   

Less junk food and take out,  this one is a no brainier it costs us money to eat out and the cost of feeding my family at the golden arches could buy us a really nice steak dinner and then some, it costs us a small fortune to feed our family of 6, and the junk food is only good for one thing adding a little extra junk to my trunk which seems to get a little more cluttered the older I get and also seems to be accompanied by extra baggage that gets stored elsewhere.  So no junk food helps keep the extra junk from the trunk.  

Less screen time and technology.  I am horrible at getting lost in the Bermuda triangle, I log on for a few minutes to check my facebook, then head on over to pinterest and maybe play a game or two of that candy crush that my 7 year old got me hooked on and before I know it those few minutes turn into an hour of time in which i could have actually been doing something productive.  So less screen time means I actually have more time to do things that I enjoy and yeah maybe I might even get some housework done, grumble grumble if I really have to….

So here we go on an adventure to live with less and hopefully gain better health, happiness and harmony. I will keep you updated along the way with posts and pictures so you can see just how much of a pack rat I am and just how much stuff one family of 6 has accumulated over the years. That’s me for today just trying to live life one puzzle piece at a time.

J.        

The True Meaning of the Holidays

The True meaning of the Holidays

This year while I was frantically preparing for the chaos of the season, my husband was away at a work party and the kids and I were enjoying a quick meal and I asked them, what is it you are looking most forward to about Christmas, I was expecting them to say the presents, the cookies anything but what they did say, their response brought a tear to my eye and made me feel so proud of the children that I was raising.  My daughter said I am most looking forward to everyone being at grandma and grandpas together, my son says yeah and spending time as a family mommy,  I love Christmas because Christmas means family.   And in that moment I was reminded of what the true meaning of the holidays is, it is not about the gifts, or the decorations, it is not about one upping each other to see who can spend the most or buy the most presents,  it is about the time spent together with family making memories that will last a life time, it is about sharing the laughs along the way and making memories while creating and carrying on traditions.

The holiday season can be crazy and chaotic and oh so stressful so much so that we sometimes lose sight of what is really important about this special time of year,   The season is not meant to be so busy that we have no time to relax and enjoy the special moments with our family, it is not meant to be so stressful trying to find gifts and spending time fighting the crowds and standing in never ending lines at the stores.   The season has become so commercialized and we have lost sight of the real reason behind the season, people do not even bat an eye over going into debt to buy gifts for family and friends spending money  they don’t have on things that have no real purpose or that we have no real need for just to fill the bottom of the Christmas tree.  

This time of the year brings about so many wonderful memories for most of us, visions of Christmas’s past, of fond childhood memories making cookies, snowmen and eating Christmas dinner surrounded by family and friends.   I can only remember a handful of the gifts that I received as a child, my first pair of cross country skis, a well loved wrinkles dog that i still have and have passed on to my own children to play with and enjoy and the year that I got my Walkman, (yes this tells you how old I am getting to be I had a Walkman and cassette tapes) but other then those few beloved gifts I don’t remember the presents that filled the bottom of the Christmas tree I know that my family always made the season special and we always made out very well and yes some people would say that we were spoiled, but the gifts are not what I remember looking back they are not what brings me joy and makes my heart feel full with fond memories.  The memories that come to mind when I think back on my childhood holidays are the laughs we shared as a family, sitting around the fire place Christmas eve sharing drinks my grandfather used to make my sister and I Shirley Temples every Christmas eve and that memory makes me smile as it made us feel so special and grown up.   I remember the big breakfast we always had and still have Christmas morning special fruit salad that may or may not have been made with a little bit of liqueur and breakfast quiche, croissants and of course the delicious chocolates we would enjoy from our stockings.  I remember enjoying a delicious dinner complete with my grandmothers special pink salad that she made in a mould, I remember the laughs that we have and the stories that are shared across the table.  These are the things that make me smile and bring me joy, these are the truly important things in life being surrounded by family, sharing stories and fond memories and enjoying a nice meal surrounded by the people that we love and that love us.  So this year i took a cue from my kids, I thought about the real reason for the season and about the things that make the season so special,  creating crafts, baking cookies and spending quality time together, I didn’t stress over the gifts, the decor or the things that I didn’t get around to, I enjoyed the moments, I slowed things down and truly had a relaxing holiday.  My husband was happier, my kids were happier and I was happier.  Each of our children received two gifts, one from mommy and daddy and one from their siblings, they also received their stockings and one gift from Santa, (and of course they received tons of gifts from the grandparents because try as I might I have no power over grandma and grandpa’s when it comes to buying for their grandchildren and believe me I have tried as this mommy hates clutter and picking up the million or so toys that get scattered about the house. ) My kids are thrilled with the few gifts that they have received from us and are contentedly enjoying a relaxing day filled with yummy breakfast, card games with family and a fun afternoon outside building an ice fort with all of the family.  We have cuddled and we have shared stories of the forts grandpa and mommy made when we were kids.  These are the holidays I want my kids to remember the time spent with family making memories and carrying on traditions that will last a lifetime, the true meaning of the holiday season.   

Merry Christmas from our family to yours living life one puzzle piece at a time.

J.

My hope for our future

To say that I am disgusted by the letter to the family of the 13 year old autistic child is an understatement, the letter has made headlines and is circulating all over social media people are outraged and are showing their support for this poor family, A community is taking a stand and world wide we are showing our support and saying ignorance is no excuse for this type of behaviour, the hateful things that were written by an individual that choose to remain anonymous a cowardly act on their part as they can not be held accountable for the evil that they spewed, they have the nerve to write a heart breaking letter to a family that already has to deal with so much but not the nerve to admit to the hatred that they wrote, showing on some level that they knew what they were doing was wrong.  It is no secret that i am the mother to two boys on the spectrum and most likely my daughter as well in fact our entire house is pretty much ausome ( a term i picked up over at This Ausome Family's  facebook page  :-)  It is also no secret that i feel very strongly about the rights of each and every child on or off the spectrum , I am a mother warrior who fights the system for services, who spends so many hours working on therapy, who helps to set up events and would help another mother out in a heart beat wether that be with advice, a shoulder to cry on and vent to or watching their kids so they can have a much needed night out , I am a mother who deals with medical complexities and who loves my children more then words regardless of diagnosis, I am sleep deprived, and worry over things that parents of normal children never have to even consider, will my child be able to live on their own, will they ever be able to communicate their needs, I worry about safety on a whole new level, not just if they are going to fall and skin their knees or have a fight with their little friends, but whether or not they will wander off never to come home again (yes this is a real and very scary reality for us) will they even have friends. As the parent of a special needs child your role as caregiver, protector and role model is so much more involved then with a "normal" -  (I really hate that term) child, but it can also be so much more rewarding,  Watching as your child completes a task that comes so easy to others, or hearing their little voice when they say a word for the first time after years of nothing can melt any ones heart even the meanest of mean,

  I took a few days to respond to the letter because i needed to come to terms in my own mind with the horrific act and the fact that another individual could be so heartless as to knowingly hurt another person and as horrible as this is i am hoping that it will raise awareness for the families of special needs children, because this is not an isolated incident it is a horrific event that i would not wish on anyone but it is not isolated it may be the first time someone has had the nerve to write it down into a letter to the family and it is by far the meanest things i have ever heard, but families of special needs children are faced with ignorance and cruelty all the time.

 Some of you may remember the incident i had at the park a few months back and for those that do not know a situation happened that upset me and made my heart hurt.  I was not ready to write about it then but feel strongly that our experience needs to be shared, the family of this 13 year old boy needs to know they are not alone and maybe together we can open the public,s eyes to the cruelty that happens to so many families with special needs children, the rude comments, nasty looks and comments muttered behind our backs. We had gone to the park and my autistic boy got very excited because there were other little boys there and he started to stim, first off i take my kids out for walks and to the park all the time in our area, the sighting of another mommy is rare and they are few and far between to see other mommy's at the park is not common, however on this day there was a large group of these elusive mommy's and they had gathered around a picnic table and were loudly chatting and laughing while their kids were running and playing,  I pushed my stroller over to a shaded tree near by and sat down to watch as my son went off to happily bounce and play.  It was not long and my son got very excited at all of the other kids running around him, he started to spin and bounce all at the same time, while doing this loud laughing squeal, he was not hurting anyone he was not touching another child he was watching them and having fun, he was happy, but then another child bumped into him one of the moments that i dread as an autism mommy and more so recently because he has started self injurious behaviour and the slightest thing can put him into melt down, and as if right on cue he dropped and slammed his head onto the thankfully padded ground ( got to love that recycled tire squishy stuff)  as i was trying to calm my son down, one of the moms called the other kids over and i overheard her telling them to stay away from my son because there was something wrong with him, after calming my son down i went over to explain that my son has autism and that because he was bumped he had a sensory reaction, as i was walking away i overheard another one of the moms mumble to the group "oh he's special all right"

I was so hurt and devastated that i could not even form words i grabbed my son and left and i bawled the entire way home, how dare these women say something like that, in an age where there is campaigning about bullying,  where we have fought so hard for inclusion and equality, not to mention the fact that they were talking about a three year old child, a child a beautiful happy little boy, how do you sleep at night knowing that you made a mother cry does it make you feel good about yourself to make a snide comment about a child, did you enjoy the giggles you got from your friends when you made such a horrible and mean comment, did it make you feel good to see me leave the park crying because of your cruelness.  I could never say something as cruel as what you said, and i would never intentionally hurt someone the way that you did, sure you probably did not intend for me to hear your comment but i did and it hurt

It  hurts that first off people could be so mean as to say things like this and that they have passed judgement on our child before even getting to know them, but more then that it hurts that as a role model to your own child you have just shown them that it is OK to say things like this, how can we as a society say to our kids to be kind to one another to except each others differences when as adults we are showing them that it is OK to act like that, we are with our own actions completely sabotaging our efforts to stop bullying, to stop the negative views of those with special needs and to be respectful to others.  I am not delusional to think that everyone should love one another that is not reality, there will be people that we don't like, that rub us the wrong way or that for what ever reason we just don't get along with, but we need to learn to respect each other to stop passing judgement on others and looking at each other with condescending stares.

 We need to think before we speak, think of the child you have just insulted, the mother who's heart is breaking, and of your own children who you have just taught through your own actions that it is OK to be cruel to others.     We seem to have forgotten the golden rule "if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all"  If you do not agree with someones views or opinions pass it by, Before you make that mean or rude comment think it through, would you want someone to say it to you, is it going to hurt someone, is it worth saying or just nonsense, are you talking to make a point or add value to a conversation or are you talking to add drama and start a fight.

Our actions speak much louder then our words ever can, teach our children how to be kind to others by being kind yourself, show them acceptance by accepting others, earn there respect by respecting others and respecting yourself enough to not drop to that level and exhibit that kind of behaviour.


We may be a group of tough skinned autism momma's but we still have feelings and can still be hurt,  As i walked home that day i had a half dozen great comebacks go through my mind that i wished i had said, but the sad truth is even if i had said them it may have made me feel better but it would not have addressed the bigger issue, as a whole society needs to learn to respect each other and we need to learn the forgotten art of manors, you don't have to like me or my kids but at least show me some respect,  be classy enough to keep your mean comments to yourself and to not have a laugh at a child's expense, and be brave enough to speak up when someone else says something and tell them it is not OK.  I am just another autism mommy hoping that out of this devastating act that happened to this poor family we can unite to show the world that this is not OK, that we can educate the world to the very real cruelties that happen every day to special needs children and families around the world.

As a mother i want to teach my children to be kind, to be thoughtful and respectful of others feelings, i want them to know that a little kindness goes a long way, and that being nice is still the right thing.

That's me for today done venting and moving on with life one puzzle piece at a time.
Jessica Kewley

Conquering Laundry Mountain, the clutter and the chaos

My mission this weekend is to finally conquer laundry mountain, I've said it before and I'll say it again, i HATE laundry, it is time consuming and because I'm busy or scatter brained or a little bit of both it sometimes takes days to do a single load.  My husband gave me a few helpful suggestions try using the timer, set the alarm to go off, do a load a day, like that is really going to help if i can not remember to switch the laundry over an hour after putting it in i am definitely not going to remember that i set the timer to start the load after dinner, and well the alarm might work but unless it is a blow horn and can be wired to flash my ceiling lights red when it goes off i will probably just tune it out.

 Nope hunny if you want to help me out take your butt down to the laundry room switch over the laundry bring it upstairs, fold it and put it away.  Do not leave it in the laundry basket sitting in the living room where inevitably it is going to get dumped out and the basket used as a seat a make believe car, boat, train, or airplane, and is then just going to make an even bigger mess and take longer to clean up then it would have if it had just been folded and put away right away, OK I'm actually the worst culprit for this one but he does do it to.

 No this weekend i am determined to get the laundry done, sorted organized and put away, including finishing up the seasonal sorting that i started, though this year the weather changes so drastically that we have had all four seasons in just a few short weeks.  One of the biggest problems with the laundry is that my family just has far to many clothes, we would have a lot of clothes to begin with because we are a family of six but we really, really have to many clothes.  I can go for a few weeks and not do laundry because we have so many clothes, and there in lies the problem, all those clothes are driving me nuts, the laundry pile is large enough that i could lose a child in it and the clothes clutter is disheartening.

  I need to conquer the clothes so that i can then move on to conquering the rest of the clutter, my basement is at a stage where if the laundry was taken care of i could then move on to my crafting stuff and organizing the rest of the stuff that's down there, but i look at the donting task of getting through the laundry and then i look around at all of the other things i could be doing and well i get distracted away from laundry mountain by the little foothills that surround it.  I day dream about taking my family to a nudist colony to live, which for my boys would probably be heaven as they hate clothes, the tags the different material the constriction of them, my daughter would be devastated as then she could not play dress up and change her outfit a hundred times a day.   I have thought about throwing it all out and starting new but the cost alone would be crazy and my kids have some really cute clothes, though i do think that i am going to throw out all the socks and start fresh in the fall or maybe not at all really the only one that wears socks in our house is my husband and his get issued to him, OK the kids do have to wear socks to school but the minute they are home off come the socks and the mystery of the missing socks starts again, because we all know that they don't take them off and place them in the laundry basket nope one gets taken off here one there one ends up under the couch, the dryer monster eats them, socks really are just a nuisance and were just invented to drive me crazy in the mornings when i am already rushed and trying to get kids out the door and then i am searching high and low for a pair of socks that match, nope from now on they are all getting black socks, the same size, and style there that solves that problem, no more pink, purple white, blue, green and gray socks nothing with patterns that need to be matched and definitely no more character socks and who cares if the socks are like leg warmers on the baby then they will just keep him warmer right.  OK so maybe there are a few holes in that plan as well but it is something to consider.

 No conquering the laundry will help with my sanity and is a huge step in getting rid of the clutter and chaos, i need to downsize our wardrobes and realize that the really cute sweater that grandma gave them that they hate because it feels funny or those tops that they only wear once in a blue moon are not worth keeping.  I need to let go of the sentimental attachment and my hoarding ways and realize that less is more and in the case of the laundry this will be a huge huge step forward in helping us live a less stressful more simple life.  Well enough procrastinating onto conquering that mountain.

That's me for today just trying to live life one puzzle piece at a time.
J

Say What????

There are certain things that i say on a regular basis in our house, most of these things i would never before have imagined saying and even now am quite frequently surprised at some of the phrases that pass between my lips,

Keep your clothes on and why are you naked are spoken daily in our house along with stop licking that and what are you chewing on, or now what are you eating.  Most recently i have also added don't bang your head on that and stop hitting yourself to the list of daily phrases,  please use your words, eyes up and how did you get into that also make the list of dailies,  on occasion i have said a few doozies that after passing my lips make me shake my head in complete bafflement  for instance once when we were having a picnic in a park i had to tell my oldest to stop pooping in public yes he had whipped his pants down in the middle of the park and was taking a dump right there beside the path( he is going to hate me for sharing this when he's older but i was mortified and excited at the same time he had just mastered potty training so i was excited he had taken the initiative to go to the bathroom just mortified at his choice of locations) , I've asked more then once how one of my children has gotten their head or another body part stuck in something and all the time i am telling at least one of my children to stop yanking on that in the living room..(.i used to say stop pulling on it it's not going to make it grow any faster but then my smarty pants replied with actually mom when i pull it it does grow... damn you child for being to smart for your own good and taking the threat out of my words with true facts) and once i even had to tell my son to stop licking another child yes you heard that right he kept licking a little girl at play group she must have bathed in cupcakes that morning.   

Now that my two oldest are talking i have often times heard my own words spoken back to me or over heard them being said to someone else, my daughter quite frequently tells her brothers they are driving her up the wall or advises them to put their listening ears on.  My son has recited something that i have said before back word for word and it usually goes a little something like this, but mom you said..... Sure i may have said that THEN but this is now so listen to me now!!! and why oh why do you have a mind like a trap but can only remember the things i don't want you to and totally forget the really important things like keep your room clean, wash your hands and most importantly flush the toilet!!! 

Words can have so much meaning and in our house we celebrate words, we celebrate that our 7 year old has out of the blue become a chatter box and that he is always coming out with interesting facts and the funniest antidotes, when 2 months ago he would barely say a complete sentence, we celebrate the cute things our daughter says in her sing song voice and we celebrate the 3 words that our non verbal son has said, we celebrated when our little babe said da da and ma ma and up for the first time.  Words are wonderful, beautiful and communication is great but sometimes the phrases that pass between my lips are far from eloquent poetry and sound more like that of the ramblings of a mad person or a radio that is only partially tuned in and is picking up several stations at a time.   For the outsider listening in I'm sure they must get a good chuckle at the insanity that is my daily chit chat and i am not embarrassed to say that some days i am very very grateful that only 2 of our kids are verbal because mommy says enough weird things for one household all on her own. 

That's me for today just trying to live life one puzzle piece at a time. 

J

In search of Moose and Meteorite's

Life in our house is anything but predictable, with 4 children under the age of 7 and a husband that works for an organization that is famous for their hurry up to wait and we can not give a date and time tactics, we just have to go with the flow, we don't really have a choice we plan things and if they need changing then we change them on the go and if my husband is away or has to leave then we go without him, such is military life, I refer to it as predictably unpredictable, luckily I am the type of gal that doesn't have an issue with venturing out alone and changing things on the fly,  Last weekend we were supposed to have plans to go to a baby shower, but after Ben woke up in sensory mode, and G went and hid in the closet after i told him what we were going to do i decided a change of plans was in order for everyone's sanity our week had been a challenging one and had been very busy.  

 So i asked them what they wanted to do, we want to go on an adventure, Adventures are good and happen quite often in our family. Well what kind of adventure are we going on today, their response surprised me  i want to see moose and find meteorite's, hmmmm well now this could be a challenge lucky for me i remembered that we had driven past a historical sign that had shown the location for a asteroid that had collided with earth some millions of years ago, on one of our other adventures, so i had a little bit of an idea of where we could at least do the later, and since it was north of us and off the beaten track i figured that would be as good a spot as any to try looking for those moose.  We packed a picnic lunch filled our water bottles and  climbed into the van with an adventure in mind, Ben instantly calmed and G and Gracie were excitedly chatting in the back about the moose they were going to see and the meteorites they were going to bring home, no sense telling them they probably would not actually find meteorites to take home with them.  So off we went, radio blaring windows rolled down baby Remi sleeping soundly.    

After just over an hour i found the sign i had been looking for, turning off of the main road we hit a gravel road, and a sign that said the "Brent Asteroid"- 32km ahead OK so i hadn't realized it was that far off the beaten track, hmmm that was something i hadn't considered but it was a beautiful day and we had no where else to be so we continued on with our adventure, driving slowly past forests ,lakes, wetlands and sand dunes the kids were sitting in the back wide eyed and brimming with excitement, and looking at them through my rear view mirror i knew i had made the right choice.  I could have forced the issue and held tight to our plans because that is what was expected of us and my kids would have been miserable and i would have been stressed and miserable.  My kids were not miserable, they were happy, they were happy to be on an adventure, they were happy to be off the beaten track away from everything and everyone, they needed this time to un-plug from the stresses of life and i needed this time to find my inner peace and sanity. 

We arrived at the location of impact and the kids could not have been more thrilled we climbed to the top of the look out tower and stared down at the large crater, we saw hawks, turtles, frogs, bunnies and lots of bugs, we went for a hike and we had our picnic lunch sitting beside a beautiful lake with not one person around the kids each picked a meteorite (aka rock covered in dirt) to bring home to add to their collection,  we spent an entire day surrounded by nature, and completely un-plugged from the world, ( really we were my cell lost service about 3km in don't worry i had stopped at the park office and told them where we were going)  We had an adventure, we reconnected as a family, (minus daddy who is still away but the kids made him videos and we took lots of pictures)  and most importantly we did what we needed to do for us for our happiness for our emotional well being and for our sanity.   We are still in search of those elusive moose but that can be an adventure for when daddy gets home. 

That's me for today just trying to live life one puzzle piece at a time. 

J

Dumpster Diving Diva

My husband and i recently purchased a new vehicle, no it was not the shinny little number i had pictured in my mind with the convertible top and enough horsepower under the engine to give a girl an orga.... um yah sorry got distracted there,what was i talking about, oh yah right, my new ride, no we purchased a very family friendly, unexciting, border line boring mini van, because as much as i dream of driving that fast sports car or hugging my hubby tight on the back of a tricked out bike the reality is we have four kids in car seats and babies and fast cars do not go hand in hand (though my husbands car does have a bit of pep to it it also does not have enough room for our whole family so unless i strap a kid to the roof which there have been occasions where i have thought of that but for an entirely different reason his car is out for family road trips), so yes a kid friendly mini van is parked nicely in our driveway and to be honest i actually like it, it has this wonderful invention called stow and go seats that actually turns the back of my van into a very convenient truck like space,  and makes for great versatility while i am cruising my local neighborhoods on bulky item pick up days or as i prefer to call them, exchange days, yes i am a dumpster diving diva and proud of it, some may call me cheap, or thrifty or a garbage picker but people throw out some great stuff and with a little tlc and elbow grease some of these wonderful finds can be transformed back into beautiful pieces you know the kind that these people that call me a garbage picker go out and spend big money on ;) i have been a dumpster diving diva for as long as i can remember definitely long before it became cool, when i was little i would go with my grandfather and father to the dump aka the exchange where inevitably we would bring something back with us, you see i come from a long line of tinkerers and salvagers, i do not remember a time when my father has not been building or creating something, and my grandfather was always  tinkering with something, a boat motor, a radio you name it he could fix it. I can remember stopping along the side of the road to search for lost bottles, the really old collectible glass ones, or swiping at cobwebs as we searched through abandoned barns and buildings looking for something, cool that would catch our eye.    There is something rewarding in being able to take a broken item and fix it or picking up someone elses trash and turning it back into a treasure.   I had forgotten just how much i loved to go looking through thrift shops, garage sales and dumpsters in search of a piece that makes you stand back and take notice even in a state of disrepair the piece speaks to you.  I am passing on my love of dumpster diving to my own little dumpster diving diva and hope that one day she will be able to look back like i have at all of the fond memories of times spent cruising the back roads in search of the perfect find while sharing our love of music, story telling and reminiscing and maybe if I'm lucky my boys will also find a love for the nostalgic. Yep i love me some stow and go.

That's me for today, just trying to live life one puzzle piece at a time.
J      

The Agony of an Autism Diagnosis All Over Again.

April is autism month, every day is autism day in our house. It is actually kind of ironic really as 4 years ago in April our oldest son was diagnosed with Autism and seizure disorder April 14th 2009 will forever be etched in my mind as a day that I wish I could erase from history, I know that I have never actually written about how I felt when we received the diagnosis and to be honest up until recently I never really thought about it from a rational point of view that is. I reacted, I didn’t think, I allowed my emotions full out free rang over the situation, Even though my husband and I had been already talking about the scary “A” word it still did not prepare me for that dreadful day that the doctor actually said the words out loud, funny how when something is said out loud it makes it that much more real. I knew it was bad when she looked at me and handed me a box of tissue, never a good sign when you are in a doctor’s office. Surprisingly though I did not break down in the office looking back I think that my mind and body had gone numb I remember the doctor saying to me that she was certain that G had Autism, she handed me some brochures and told me that she was willing to take him on as a patient and that the seizures that had started the whole journey to this point were a secondary concern I don’t remember anything else about that meeting though I know that there was much more to it than that, I remember driving home in a daze and thinking to myself how? How could this be real, at any time I was going to wake up and this was going to all be a bad dream. I walked into the house and came face to face with my little blue eyed angel, I hugged him and then the tears started and I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t stop hugging him, I looked over his head at Andrew and our eyes met, and he knew without saying a word he knew! 

The next few weeks went by in a blur when I wasn’t crying I was mad and looking back now I know that I was not a nice person to be around, I hated the world and even worse I hated all of my friends and family, I hated them and their perfect kids and their words of advice and concern, I was mean to them ignoring their calls and snapping at them when they said things that seemed stupid and redundant, I was mad at my parents and Andrew’s parents, mine because my mom and dad were overwhelming me with info and Andrew’s because it seemed like they didn’t care they just seemed to be ignoring the situation. Looking back now I realize that they too were dealing with the diagnosis in their own way, their first grandchild had just been diagnosed with autism a completely unfamiliar territory, my parents like myself research the hell out of everything and wanted to help us the best they knew how by providing support and information and Andrew’s parents had also been researching but wanted to give us some space to adjust. After the anger and tears started to disappear I went into overdrive I needed to learn everything that I could about this disorder and I needed to learn it all right away! I started to make phone calls and filled out enough paper work to give me carpal tunnel, I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that G got everything that he was entitled to and I was going to learn everything that I needed to help him, I thought that by researching the hell out of the subject I could become an expert, little did I know then that years later I would still be learning and when I think I have something figured out it goes and changes on me, such is life.

Now here we are four years later and i find myself once more crying in April, four years almost to the day to be exact,  and it has been advised that we have our third child ( who is actually the 2nd born and our only girl) assessed, a month ago our 2nd son was diagnosed, we knew it was coming we had seen the signs in him, the bouncing, no sleeping, the ears being covered, his frustration at not being able to talk at 3, but still once again actually hearing those words was like a stab to the heart.  I went into supermom mode something i have become very, very good at these last few years and rallied the troops, i called in all of my favours and used all of my contacts and resources,  I started filling out all of those forms like a pro,  i was going through the motions, albeit a little bit lost at times as both boys are so totally different from one another and it was going to be like starting fresh all over again learning how to best work with Ben and figuring out what triggered his meltdowns and how to best calm him.  So after a month of dealing with that and starting to get things into place i was feeling better, more sure of life and more able to deal with the issues that were being thrown at me on a daily basis.  Then last week i went to the school to pick up the kids and was hit by a left hook i had never seen coming, and it sent my head spinning, the term's  ADD, OCD, Autism were being thrown around to describe my daughter my beautiful wonderful baby girl and the spitting image of myself in both looks and temperament, this could not be happening, not again they were mistaken.  I left the school mad, mad that they had the nerve to say she might be on the spectrum and mad that this was the first i had heard about it,  and madder still at myself thinking that i had somehow let her down by being so absorbed with the boys that i had somehow missed something.  I have since talked to 3 different experts in this field and 2 of them strongly recommended that she be assessed reassuring me that i did not miss something but that girls present differently then boys and that it can sometimes be hard to see the signs.  We do not know for sure if she is on the spectrum but she is exhibiting signs, so to be on the safe side she to will be assessed.  

So here I sit going through the same emotions and feelings I felt on that life changing day 4 years ago, I have been mad, felt denial and cried until my head hurt, i have hugged my little girl and looked into her eyes to see that no matter what she is and always will be my beautiful baby. 

So here i sit just trying to live life one puzzle piece and one diagnosis at a time. 

J 

When oh When did Cleaning with no kids home become my break

  Never a dull moment, that is how you would best describe my life.  The normal chaos of being a mother of four under six and military wife is busy enough but then add to that the chaos of two children on the spectrum and chaos turns into out right insanity.  During any given week I am busy with hours of therapy and doctors appointments, not to mention the normal everyday chaos like, laundry ( my own personal nemesis) cooking, cleaning and taking care of my family.  I don't normally complain and NEVER ask for help, that's just me and much to the dismay and disbelief from some of my mommy friends I also do not drop my children off at the drop in or take them to preschool,  not because we can not afford it, but i really really hate throwing money away on something like that if i am home my kids can be home with me and if i am going out then they come out with me and i do not even bat an eye at taking them all out with me and yes i have and do take all four of them to the grocery store by myself.

  Other moms are in shock at the fact that i am not afraid to take my kids with me out in public, to the grocery store, the fabric store or out to a restaurant and more often then not i get remarks like i would never take my kids out shopping, or my kids would never behave,  My kids are expected to act a certain way when we are out and they may not behave at home but they sure as heck do when we are out end of story!!!

   Ha right, who am I kidding my middle monster,  (I mean munchkin) spent the better part of mommy and babe boot camp screaming today, and my oldest used to cry anytime we left the house because the hum from the lights and the chaos of the people would throw him into melt down,  But seriously i can not complain because my kids actually are really well behaved and other then sensory moments they are expected to behave when we are out, and because i am the kind of mom that is always on the go and they have grown up being dragged all over the place they are used to it and for the most part they do very well when we are out and when they are in sensory overload or having a melt down we deal with it and sure for my own sanity i bribe them with timbits and m&m's, but seriously what mom doesn't and if all it takes is a few tasty treats to get my little introverts out the door then hey i say its a win win right, and sadly with my life it's not always a choice for me to leave them at home when my husband is away and we need something then out the door we go.  Besides it's good for them to learn about social situations and interactions and how to properly act in public.

Now i have a choice i had volunteered for my daughters class trip to the sugar bush tomorrow and it has since been postponed due to the possibility of bad weather tomorrow my two little boys are already registered for the drop in center and my oldest two will be at school which means that i have the opportunity to have several hours of kid free time, normally i would call and cancel but since i am trying to find me again i think i am going to take this opportunity to do just that, i am going to drink a tea while it is still hot, and clean and organize the house uninterrupted, i know what your thinking oh my god she's gone crazy stop the madness what is this crazy behaviour,  OK maybe that's what i was thinking, but cleaning uninterrupted and drinking my tea warm really does seem like a break for me, and since we don't live in the city i can't go to a movie or anything like that and apparently we are in for some yucky freezing rain a walk is out of the question so cleaning it is.

Now the tough part will be for me to relax and enjoy the quiet time without thinking of my kids every 5 minutes, one step at a time.

Thats me for today just living life one puzzle piece at a time.
J

Making Memories

  One of my favorite sayings is "It is not about the milestones but the moments"  this phrase has gotten me through many a day and helped to put things into perspective I have it on the wall in my bedroom so that at the end of a bad day i can look at it and remember that it truly is the moments that matter.  Today is all about the moments from the happiness that was contagious as my babe's bounced onto our bed this morning, to seeing the kids excited faces as they came down the stairs to see that the Easter Bunny had left them each a present to watching as my two oldest lovingly raced around the house hunting those brightly coloured eggs and excitedly sharing each and every find with each other with not even a breath of competition to cloud the event.  Watching as my three year old realized that those brightly coloured packages were filled with a delicious chocolate that he was actually allowed to eat for breakfast followed by yummy and beautifully decorated sugar cookies and chocolate banana milkshakes.   Who doesn't love eating dessert first. 

  Our day has been spent relaxing and has exuded love at every turn from my husband quietly telling me that I am a ten and the best mom ever, to my daughter hugging and kissing her baby brother every opportunity that she gets.  My oldest has shared in the joys of the day by incorporating games in which all of the kids can play and little Mr. mayhem has been happily running, bouncing and cuddling the day away.  Miracle of all miracles I have even managed to finish my tea while it was still warm albeit it was lukewarm but it didn't have to be heated 3 times.   I look forward to days like today when we have nothing on the go, no place to be and nothing to do, there is no schedule to follow or therapy to attend we are not rushed to get out the door and are simply allowed to relax, to breathe in the peace and quiet and ignore all of the other things looming on the to do list. 

  Normally on days like today I feel a sense of guilt over wasting away the day, after all there is always something that needs to be done, from the mountain of laundry to the never ending housework but the other night it was brought to my attention from my baby girl that maybe just maybe mommy needs to tune out the outside world and forget about the "should be's" should be cleaning, should do that laundry, should, should, should.  I need to focus on what really matters, spending quality time with my family, really listening when my kids talk to me and getting down to their level not multi tasking my "shoulds" list in the back of my brain while half listening to my kids.

  I feel at peace today, my heart feels happy and for the first time in a very long time i am remembering what it is like to be care free, and to just cherish the moments without worrying about all of the other things that should be done.  I am happy with me and with doing nothing i am pushing out the guilt to truly relax and enjoy.     Tomorrow will be soon enough to get back to the grind and the crazy chaos that follows having 1little drama queen, 2 autistic boys, 1 now mobile baby and a husband in the military.  For today I am cherishing the moments that allow my heart peace, cuddling my babes and loving my husband. 

That's me for today living life one puzzle piece at a time. 

J

    

The Ghosts of Easters Past

  Today while standing in the Easter aisle at Walmart my chest tightened and my stomach lurched I was filled with a sense of dread and panic.   The same feeling that I have felt the last four Easters in a row,  Easter growing up was a time filled with joy, love and wonderful memories of Easter egg hunts at my grandparents house and one very special bunny that has lovingly been passed down to my daughter.  Four years ago though it became a day that i will forever dread and that sends a shiver down my spine even as I type this i have a chill.

   A day that should have been filled with brightly coloured eggs, the smell of yummy food cooking and chocolate covered kisses ended up being the first day in my life that i have felt utterly and completely helpless and scarred beyond words, This was the day that my beautiful baby boy first started having seizures, and as silly as it seems I now associate his seizures with Easter, it is funny how things happen in our lives that will forever change the way we view a single day,

   Try as I might to be happy about this holiday i just can't bring my heart to forget that day,  That day i lost my ability as a mother to protect my child, i have stood by helplessly watching as my son has gone through more cat scans, eeg's and tests then i could ever imagine, i have beaten at a nurses chest tears streaming down my cheeks as she held me back while a team of emergency staff worked at trying to get my son to stop seizuring while his temperature sky rocketed to 108, i have stared into his listless eyes and known that he wasn't there,  i have half listened in panic mode and will never forget how they prepared me for the possibility of a cardiac arrest, i have waited on egg shells for the helicopter to arrive to air lift my son to another hospital because they could not help us at the current one, I have had to make the call to the padre and say the words out loud to get my husband pulled from the field because our son was non responsive, i have sat quietly by holding his hand for days and praying to the powers that be that he would regain mobility and that there would be no brain damage.  In the midst of all of this life has gone on,  But every Easter since that day i am reminded of the events of the past 4 years,  and my heart hurts.   I am reminded of how precious life is and of how quickly it can change, i am reminded that no matter how much i love my children and want to protect them sometimes there are things that are beyond my control.

  This year however my kids are excited about Easter and the idea of the Easter bunny bringing them a special treat has their little eyes all a glow with wonder and even though I am filled with dread at the upcoming holiday i can not bring myself to ruin the magic for my kids,  Life is hard and goes by far to quickly i want them to experience all the magic and wonder of childhood, i want them to look back when they are grown and have those wonderful childhood memories that i have, of Easters past, and of traditions, of values and of family.  I want them to remember the love and not the fear.  So there i stood in the midst of all of those bad memories reaching out with shaking hands as i slowly added the brightly coloured eggs to the cart and picked out something special for each of the kids so that we could as a family create those memories that last a life time.

That's me for today just trying to live life one puzzle piece at a time.

Thanks
J

      

Pieces of the Puzzle

  Lately I have found myself questioning what is important to me, what it is that truly makes me happy, and if it is true that things happen for a reason.   If you had told me ten years ago that I would be living this life today and walking the path that this life has taken me on I would not have believed it.  I have always had a rambling spirit and enjoyed living life whimsically, and very spur of the moment, I find the best adventures start with no plan and on a whim.  It is one of the things that drives my husband nuts about me i work at my own pace and flutter from project to project as i see fit where as he is a very detailed and mapped out kind of individual, it works for us I bring whimsy and chaos and he ropes it in and creates the calm, keeping us on track.

  Almost 7 years ago now our lives were forever changed when we welcomed into our hearts the first of 4, yes that's right 4 beautiful children, I can not imagine my life now without them and they each bring their own distinct little personality to our household they hold the pieces of my heart that i did not even realize were missing.  Staring into my daughters eyes when she has her head tilted stubbornly to the side and seeing myself reflected back at me or hearing the very distinct voice of my oldest son as he is reasoning through something I see my husband in him, my third little munchkin brings happiness always and walks around in a state of kaos that is distinctly me, and our youngest is a mix of the two of us even at not quite a year yet his personality is all his own and he completes the craziness that is our family.

  Our life is not an easy life, we live a very "puzzeling" life with a side of military thrown in just to keep it interesting.  Our oldest was diagnosed with Autism  3.5 years ago and just a few weeks ago our second son was diagnosed.  There truly is never a dull moment around our house and I feel that it is because of my free spirit personality that I am able to take it all in and handle it as well as I do,  it is not something that I could have ever imagined having to deal with and often get told by others I could not do what you do,  But the reality is I don't have a choice, I deal with it because it has to be dealt with, I deal with it because my kids deserve it and are worth it and I deal with it because that's what families do they rally the troops and stand together no matter what.   This does not mean that I do not have break downs on the contrary I do and when I do they are full out crying till my head hurts and I can't stop sobbing break downs or eating a tub of ice cream on my own with a side of cake, I am human and only one person dealing with a whole heck of a lot of life.
 
  Somewhere over the course of this crazy chaotic life I have lost me, I have lost the person that I knew and loved and I need to find her again, I need to find my inner happiness so that I can be a better mom to my kids, a better wife and a better me!   I don't know yet what that is going to entail but I do know that I feel calm when I write and it helps me to see life a little bit clearer.  I am not going to commit to a regimented schedule of blogging every day but am going to try to write once a week, but will not beat myself up about it if life happens and I can't commit to that, and there may be times when i write every day, lets just say i will write when the whim hits me, it helps with my creativity and is a lot cheaper then therapy.

Well thats me for today, just trying to live life one puzzle piece at a time.
J