Today while standing in the Easter aisle at Walmart my chest tightened and my stomach lurched I was filled with a sense of dread and panic. The same feeling that I have felt the last four Easters in a row, Easter growing up was a time filled with joy, love and wonderful memories of Easter egg hunts at my grandparents house and one very special bunny that has lovingly been passed down to my daughter. Four years ago though it became a day that i will forever dread and that sends a shiver down my spine even as I type this i have a chill.
A day that should have been filled with brightly coloured eggs, the smell of yummy food cooking and chocolate covered kisses ended up being the first day in my life that i have felt utterly and completely helpless and scarred beyond words, This was the day that my beautiful baby boy first started having seizures, and as silly as it seems I now associate his seizures with Easter, it is funny how things happen in our lives that will forever change the way we view a single day,
Try as I might to be happy about this holiday i just can't bring my heart to forget that day, That day i lost my ability as a mother to protect my child, i have stood by helplessly watching as my son has gone through more cat scans, eeg's and tests then i could ever imagine, i have beaten at a nurses chest tears streaming down my cheeks as she held me back while a team of emergency staff worked at trying to get my son to stop seizuring while his temperature sky rocketed to 108, i have stared into his listless eyes and known that he wasn't there, i have half listened in panic mode and will never forget how they prepared me for the possibility of a cardiac arrest, i have waited on egg shells for the helicopter to arrive to air lift my son to another hospital because they could not help us at the current one, I have had to make the call to the padre and say the words out loud to get my husband pulled from the field because our son was non responsive, i have sat quietly by holding his hand for days and praying to the powers that be that he would regain mobility and that there would be no brain damage. In the midst of all of this life has gone on, But every Easter since that day i am reminded of the events of the past 4 years, and my heart hurts. I am reminded of how precious life is and of how quickly it can change, i am reminded that no matter how much i love my children and want to protect them sometimes there are things that are beyond my control.
This year however my kids are excited about Easter and the idea of the Easter bunny bringing them a special treat has their little eyes all a glow with wonder and even though I am filled with dread at the upcoming holiday i can not bring myself to ruin the magic for my kids, Life is hard and goes by far to quickly i want them to experience all the magic and wonder of childhood, i want them to look back when they are grown and have those wonderful childhood memories that i have, of Easters past, and of traditions, of values and of family. I want them to remember the love and not the fear. So there i stood in the midst of all of those bad memories reaching out with shaking hands as i slowly added the brightly coloured eggs to the cart and picked out something special for each of the kids so that we could as a family create those memories that last a life time.
That's me for today just trying to live life one puzzle piece at a time.
Thanks
J
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