Making Memories

  One of my favorite sayings is "It is not about the milestones but the moments"  this phrase has gotten me through many a day and helped to put things into perspective I have it on the wall in my bedroom so that at the end of a bad day i can look at it and remember that it truly is the moments that matter.  Today is all about the moments from the happiness that was contagious as my babe's bounced onto our bed this morning, to seeing the kids excited faces as they came down the stairs to see that the Easter Bunny had left them each a present to watching as my two oldest lovingly raced around the house hunting those brightly coloured eggs and excitedly sharing each and every find with each other with not even a breath of competition to cloud the event.  Watching as my three year old realized that those brightly coloured packages were filled with a delicious chocolate that he was actually allowed to eat for breakfast followed by yummy and beautifully decorated sugar cookies and chocolate banana milkshakes.   Who doesn't love eating dessert first. 

  Our day has been spent relaxing and has exuded love at every turn from my husband quietly telling me that I am a ten and the best mom ever, to my daughter hugging and kissing her baby brother every opportunity that she gets.  My oldest has shared in the joys of the day by incorporating games in which all of the kids can play and little Mr. mayhem has been happily running, bouncing and cuddling the day away.  Miracle of all miracles I have even managed to finish my tea while it was still warm albeit it was lukewarm but it didn't have to be heated 3 times.   I look forward to days like today when we have nothing on the go, no place to be and nothing to do, there is no schedule to follow or therapy to attend we are not rushed to get out the door and are simply allowed to relax, to breathe in the peace and quiet and ignore all of the other things looming on the to do list. 

  Normally on days like today I feel a sense of guilt over wasting away the day, after all there is always something that needs to be done, from the mountain of laundry to the never ending housework but the other night it was brought to my attention from my baby girl that maybe just maybe mommy needs to tune out the outside world and forget about the "should be's" should be cleaning, should do that laundry, should, should, should.  I need to focus on what really matters, spending quality time with my family, really listening when my kids talk to me and getting down to their level not multi tasking my "shoulds" list in the back of my brain while half listening to my kids.

  I feel at peace today, my heart feels happy and for the first time in a very long time i am remembering what it is like to be care free, and to just cherish the moments without worrying about all of the other things that should be done.  I am happy with me and with doing nothing i am pushing out the guilt to truly relax and enjoy.     Tomorrow will be soon enough to get back to the grind and the crazy chaos that follows having 1little drama queen, 2 autistic boys, 1 now mobile baby and a husband in the military.  For today I am cherishing the moments that allow my heart peace, cuddling my babes and loving my husband. 

That's me for today living life one puzzle piece at a time. 

J

    

The Ghosts of Easters Past

  Today while standing in the Easter aisle at Walmart my chest tightened and my stomach lurched I was filled with a sense of dread and panic.   The same feeling that I have felt the last four Easters in a row,  Easter growing up was a time filled with joy, love and wonderful memories of Easter egg hunts at my grandparents house and one very special bunny that has lovingly been passed down to my daughter.  Four years ago though it became a day that i will forever dread and that sends a shiver down my spine even as I type this i have a chill.

   A day that should have been filled with brightly coloured eggs, the smell of yummy food cooking and chocolate covered kisses ended up being the first day in my life that i have felt utterly and completely helpless and scarred beyond words, This was the day that my beautiful baby boy first started having seizures, and as silly as it seems I now associate his seizures with Easter, it is funny how things happen in our lives that will forever change the way we view a single day,

   Try as I might to be happy about this holiday i just can't bring my heart to forget that day,  That day i lost my ability as a mother to protect my child, i have stood by helplessly watching as my son has gone through more cat scans, eeg's and tests then i could ever imagine, i have beaten at a nurses chest tears streaming down my cheeks as she held me back while a team of emergency staff worked at trying to get my son to stop seizuring while his temperature sky rocketed to 108, i have stared into his listless eyes and known that he wasn't there,  i have half listened in panic mode and will never forget how they prepared me for the possibility of a cardiac arrest, i have waited on egg shells for the helicopter to arrive to air lift my son to another hospital because they could not help us at the current one, I have had to make the call to the padre and say the words out loud to get my husband pulled from the field because our son was non responsive, i have sat quietly by holding his hand for days and praying to the powers that be that he would regain mobility and that there would be no brain damage.  In the midst of all of this life has gone on,  But every Easter since that day i am reminded of the events of the past 4 years,  and my heart hurts.   I am reminded of how precious life is and of how quickly it can change, i am reminded that no matter how much i love my children and want to protect them sometimes there are things that are beyond my control.

  This year however my kids are excited about Easter and the idea of the Easter bunny bringing them a special treat has their little eyes all a glow with wonder and even though I am filled with dread at the upcoming holiday i can not bring myself to ruin the magic for my kids,  Life is hard and goes by far to quickly i want them to experience all the magic and wonder of childhood, i want them to look back when they are grown and have those wonderful childhood memories that i have, of Easters past, and of traditions, of values and of family.  I want them to remember the love and not the fear.  So there i stood in the midst of all of those bad memories reaching out with shaking hands as i slowly added the brightly coloured eggs to the cart and picked out something special for each of the kids so that we could as a family create those memories that last a life time.

That's me for today just trying to live life one puzzle piece at a time.

Thanks
J

      

Pieces of the Puzzle

  Lately I have found myself questioning what is important to me, what it is that truly makes me happy, and if it is true that things happen for a reason.   If you had told me ten years ago that I would be living this life today and walking the path that this life has taken me on I would not have believed it.  I have always had a rambling spirit and enjoyed living life whimsically, and very spur of the moment, I find the best adventures start with no plan and on a whim.  It is one of the things that drives my husband nuts about me i work at my own pace and flutter from project to project as i see fit where as he is a very detailed and mapped out kind of individual, it works for us I bring whimsy and chaos and he ropes it in and creates the calm, keeping us on track.

  Almost 7 years ago now our lives were forever changed when we welcomed into our hearts the first of 4, yes that's right 4 beautiful children, I can not imagine my life now without them and they each bring their own distinct little personality to our household they hold the pieces of my heart that i did not even realize were missing.  Staring into my daughters eyes when she has her head tilted stubbornly to the side and seeing myself reflected back at me or hearing the very distinct voice of my oldest son as he is reasoning through something I see my husband in him, my third little munchkin brings happiness always and walks around in a state of kaos that is distinctly me, and our youngest is a mix of the two of us even at not quite a year yet his personality is all his own and he completes the craziness that is our family.

  Our life is not an easy life, we live a very "puzzeling" life with a side of military thrown in just to keep it interesting.  Our oldest was diagnosed with Autism  3.5 years ago and just a few weeks ago our second son was diagnosed.  There truly is never a dull moment around our house and I feel that it is because of my free spirit personality that I am able to take it all in and handle it as well as I do,  it is not something that I could have ever imagined having to deal with and often get told by others I could not do what you do,  But the reality is I don't have a choice, I deal with it because it has to be dealt with, I deal with it because my kids deserve it and are worth it and I deal with it because that's what families do they rally the troops and stand together no matter what.   This does not mean that I do not have break downs on the contrary I do and when I do they are full out crying till my head hurts and I can't stop sobbing break downs or eating a tub of ice cream on my own with a side of cake, I am human and only one person dealing with a whole heck of a lot of life.
 
  Somewhere over the course of this crazy chaotic life I have lost me, I have lost the person that I knew and loved and I need to find her again, I need to find my inner happiness so that I can be a better mom to my kids, a better wife and a better me!   I don't know yet what that is going to entail but I do know that I feel calm when I write and it helps me to see life a little bit clearer.  I am not going to commit to a regimented schedule of blogging every day but am going to try to write once a week, but will not beat myself up about it if life happens and I can't commit to that, and there may be times when i write every day, lets just say i will write when the whim hits me, it helps with my creativity and is a lot cheaper then therapy.

Well thats me for today, just trying to live life one puzzle piece at a time.
J